My memoirs

2008-06-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

Sands o time
Someone who has seen birth
That very someone has seen death
She has for ages seen many grow
Alas a moment gone- is gone
Relationships have happened, even broken
Our beloved have departed-
And all it took was time- a flash
Now I walk by the sea sands
Behind me lay my own footsteps
I dragged my beaten bodyIn vain,
weighing on me is time
Even my robes are heavy on me
Or is it my life? Burdened?
It feels numb now, very cold
The waves give me company
My search continues for moksha-
Salvation
Another poem would be-
My withered pastStanding under the trees so wild
Circled by the flowers so sensuousT
he moonlight now glimmering shone
A sparkle in my eyes- diamond like tears
Am alone- lone -none to stand by me
Hath though a wonderful past- was merry
So many people around me- was so loved
But now sounds a dream. They all left me
I have now forcibly become numb
Pain is no longer pain, neutral is sorrow
Wade I through the lush thick greenery
Am in white- free flowing drapery
Feel I bliss- salvation moksha- nirvana
Memories are fading. Glories unglorified
I walk freely, lost and torn unrecognized
A tune of melancholy I sing divine
Sway merrily and I gracefully dance
I guess tis is happiness- solitude
My past is withered, painful-
tis goneLike a fading sunset, my withered past
These were 2 poems that I wrote recently. Again letting go of any signs of negative thoughts from the poems- one is to understand that everything in, around behind above us runs on what is plainly called-Time. My topic is broadly the concept of time. Every moment is to be valued. Moments gone are gone. They reoccur either better or worse than the previous moment. There might be parallel universes where in we are living the same lives differing merely by seconds.But my interest in this topic is not about how time runs as we look at it.My pet- the best ever companion died. My very favorite teacher who personified peace died in an accident. 2 things I leant- destiny and time have its ways.It still takes me quite a lot to digest their absenceHaving moved from school to college there have been changes, those friends have moved away. It is through my sickness that am pondering on the lines of time. For now am asked to take rest. My activities are minimal when in comparison to what they were. The day before yesterday I was running, yesterday I walked, today I have paused. I ask my self is my learning wrong? Aren’t we puppets, doing what we are meant to do? We know more than what we thinkUnfortunately it works the other way round- we are thinking more than what we know. Life is not that fast a race after all. U can momentarily pause, that’s when you observe, analyze. One can learn a lot from such pauses. The time feels as though its ticking slower. In a fast lane you will find stand still.One also learns that he is privileged when in comparison to many. Let’s not blame either time or destiny- for its flexible. Time and destiny act according to your desire, acceptance and understanding.The happiness we seek can come only from within us. So introspect, seek your path. Live not in your tomorrow which may or may not exist. Live today, now this moment.

2008-01-05T06:21:00.000-08:00

Om PoorNamadha: poorNamidam poorNAth poorNamuduchyathE poorNasya poorNamAdhAya poorNamEvAvasishyathe " That is Whole; this is Whole; from the Whole, the Whole becomes manifest. From the Whole, whenthe Whole is negated, what remains is againthe Whole. "

We wake up to the same routine, work through the day and sleep the mechanic way. Hypnotized- that is all that we have become. Have any one of you thought as to why you are here? What is your role in this entire of this universe and beyond? Do you actually know what faith means?

Merely reading the bible or chanting slokha is not faith, to prove it- u call each of it a ritual! Why?
My beloved reader, that’s where you are sadly mistaken- the most superior who we call the Lord- is the all mighty- the actual translation- is a super natural power.
Performing rituals is not the actual, offering the lord leaves is not the criteria, I can visualize a cell phone to be the mighty Lord Shiva. As I eat I share food with him. As I adorn jewelry I am garlanding the all mighty. It was all in the mind, you saw the idol, where as I saw the Lord himself.

There is still a step beyond, which I shall talk of when I conclude.

The above said are my thoughts, what I am going to say further more is my own view. You may to choose to stop here or continue reading- my thoughts, my visions- my talisman.

Nirvana

Lost one, lost all -am alone I fear
Loneliness no longer fear-but part o thou-me
What is life? I question, air water oxygen
Losing your most beloved, trust, company
Is that life- I ask, doth not sound death?
Pain leads to pleasure and pleasure to pain
Joy to sorrow, sadness to happiness- tis the same
Again to live is to die and dying you live
If life then balance? Balance – salvation?
Salvation, the path to the abode o Lord
Lord- peace-the blissful taste o calm
Occurred a vision- A bridge, stream and land-
A Church, open coffins, peace I see, feel
Crosseth I shall- and seek nirvana
A state where all means the same- am free
Life is death, love is hate, and pain is pleasure!
Have set foot into a new path- silence
Am alone, none to pull me back, I cry, teary
Tis a journey- an adventure, quest to life
Slowly shall I leave everything- am quitting
None matter to me now- i ever mattered to none!
I walk, begin, settest heart soul body-
Finding peace, calm, bliss, harmony- am on my way
seeketh NIRVANA

This was a poem I wrote when my favorite teacher passed away, when my best ever companion- my dog left me.
Abandoning the thoughts of tears, and other such negativities -which were out of sheer momentary agony, I learnt a few things-
Everything in you, around you, above and below, universal and non universal is nothing but BALANCE personified.
I would here also like to share in brief the vision I had which will lead us to the core.

“Am transported to an unknown land, a place where one cannot easily reach- only your mind takes you there. The land was huge, infinite like space.
It was called the land of paradoxes. It was wildly dark, rain clouds hovering right above my head- it probably was going to be the heaviest torrential rain. I could also see amidst these clouds a glorious sensuous full moon- its brilliance, the charming light seeping through those abundant leaves. The land had tall mountains .The entire area covered in thick forests. There were very few people- 2 couples and maybe a man. They did not seem to even notice me! I walked ahead, into this unknown infinity. As my feet led me, I saw horrid illusions- a woman being raped, brutal torture, bloody wars, our blindfolded mechanic lives I walked further on, but felt a deep sense of calm, I was walking away from sorrow. Now I saw a thin stream- width wise, length again being infinity .I also saw a bridge, leading one to another land. The other side seemed calmer. I could see open coffins, and a huge wonderful church. Just as when curiosity was reaching its peak, I saw a happy man crossing the bridge. Stopped him and asked as to where I was.

He politely then explained- I was standing on the land of living, where people are actually dying where as he was going to the land of life, where people actually started living. A land which is not heaven, but where one can cherish the scent of the Lords feet. A land devoid of all sorrow. He went on to say that the bridge was the deciding point- the point where man decides to move onto the other land. This is what we call the awakening of the sub conscious, the opening of the third dimension. I asked him what if you want to return to this world. He calmly replied- rebirth. He asked me to think wise. Saying so he crossed. My vision faded with me standing by the stream.

There is another poem, I wrote. Merging the above mentioned thoughts and the forthcoming poem- we shall analyze further.

Wealth Paradoxes

Infinite a kingdom, Wealth galore
Golden paths, bejeweled the roads
Food in plenty, water immortal
Luxury at your call, material pleasure
Far in distance, palace there be
Sparkling in gold, diamonds spree
Inside now, silence emptiness
Shut doors and windows, darkness
At the Lord’s feet, by the wall
In sight the only being, entire kingdom
Lay motionless, & curled this soul
Looks the prince, the crown said so
Young he was, but hath all aged
Pain in his eyes, heaviness in the air
Frail he appeared, lost in his robes
Handsome and witty, now was worn
Looked at me he, tears in my eyes
For some sorrow, story grief there lies
As my tears trickle, said the royal-
“I too was merry, then cried now dry
Rise thou stranger, arise and hear
The kingdom you see- personifies my life
Has all the material wealth, but none to rejoice
Life too had had everything, but no peace, lone
Life orphaned me, silence my guardian
Am locked within these walls,
Tis not a palace, but a dungeon
My life too is so- prison, cant escape
Love, hate, pain, joy, success, failure
Friendship, wars, betrayal, rejection, pleasure
Faced it all, sorrow the only permanent
Was abandoned, seek now I peace
Now I pray to the Lord, death
For, what is life? Without living
Grow I the poison ivy, tis my life is filled
With poison”
His voice cracked, may be a tear drop
The light seeped brilliantly- through the glass
“Turn now, to ur life” he said
“Ask not for things, though pray for peace
Destiny and life has its ways,
Eternal is peace, so pray”
Thought I ll take him, with me, to life
But then saw the chains, he was tied
“Tis not a palace but a dungeon”
His words echoing in my head.
Beyond pain, I saw, state o calm
Walked I away, now puzzled more in life
“PEACE IS ETERNAL- SO PRAY”

One can here easily relate that materialism is no match for peace. No money, no position, for that matter even love- anything or everything external cannot fetch the internal peace you seek. You chain your own self relying on anything external -movement and being.
Find the –“you in you.”
In my world, only I am permanent rest all- living or non living is an illusion- MAYA. How then can I blame someone of something? Or quench revenge from someone?
I am my everything. The peace that I seek?! It has to come from within me.
And the key to this is to – salvation, moksha, nirvana.
And believe me -one does not have to die to seek or reach this state. For I relate inner peace to salvation. That is the apex.
Indeed destiny and life have its ways, and you as an individual are negligible power when in comparison to this entire cosmic energy, the mahan katha written by the lords.

How or why then should you ask the lord petty things or favours? For what has to happen will happen.
How does a man’s prayer start? “Hope my day goes on well; hope my daughter is relived of her sickness!” NO! Pray and ask of Lord Peace, that positive energy which will help you glide through all mortal duties.

Now I take you to yet another plane, my concluding part.
“How do I attain nirvana?”
My answer?! Understand that life is balance, pain is pleasure, failure is success, yesterday is tomorrow, love is hate. All these mean the same. Treat them to be the same, you shall feel bliss. For it is then that you have detached yourself from all mortal pain. Go back to my poem- nirvana- understand that perceptions vary. My perception being, that yes I shall cross the bridge, for I know that what destiny has in store will happen, I am nobody or nothing to defy the super natural. Neither will I attempt to do such a thing, for everything happens for the good.
Here I shall deviate a little and give an example-
You are sitting in the car, legs crossed and see a blind crossing the road and remark “How sad” I say that’s a shame. If you in someway can help that blind or give an illiterate -education then go ahead. Lest do not comment, it is not pity which is wanted of you but your duty- that to me is karma.

Understand that by awakening your subconscious mind- crossing the bridge and by going to the other land- you are not dead, notice in my vision that the surroundings were the same, just that it was calmer. By crossing one sheds

The mortal thinking, possession. On having reached the other land- all that has happened is that- he now is the abode to the supernatural power.

Yes! When your mind, heart, body and soul openly receive the supernatural- you will feel the lord within you. And that is the unbreakable peace, calm. Hence in a mortal being there is immortal energy- positive. You now in the literal sense are living.

“Yogayukto visuddhatma vijitatma jitendriyah
Sarvabhutatma kurvannapi na lipyate”

The Karmayogi, who has fully conquered his mind and mastered his senses, whose heart is pure and who has identified himself with the Self of all beings( namely God), remains untainted even though performing action.
Bhagavadgita chapter 5, verse (7)

“Jitatmanah prasantasya paramatma samahitah
Sitosnasukhaduhkhesu tatha manapamanayoh”

The supreme spirit is rooted in the knowledge of the self controlled man whose mind is perfectly serene in the midst of pairs of opposites, such as cold and heat, joy and sorrow, and honour and ignominy.
Bhagavadgita chapter 6, verse (7)

Live my friend. Unchain yourself. Do not get absorbed by the obvious. You are here for a purpose. Find the true meaning and artha to your existence.

I conclude hence-
Sarvebhavantu sukhinahsarve santu niramayahsarvebhadrani pashyantuma kasechid dukhabhatbhavet.
(May all beings be happy, may all be freed from suffering, may everyone be prosperous, may no one ever be unhappy.)

2007-12-18T06:33:00.000-08:00

Lunacy

Sit I in darkness, she engulfs me, protects me
The rains soothing the wounds- calmly
Self wallowed in sadness, brutal and gory
Even you cant see- what this pain has done to me

Tear I into my own flesh, rip open wounds
Look into past, now my present- tis hollow
What now will the future hold? Is only sorrow
Twitching are my nerves, body extinguishing

My reflection is a serene me, in a white gown
Hair long and curly, my mirror so shows
Dancing merrily, envious to many
A glorious me, tempting and sensuous

And suddenly am being mocked, laughed at
Was stripped, naked- my body ghastly white
I still was dancing, like as though possessed
“She is a bloody lunatic”!! Voices started echoing

Even my own reflection is stabbing me
A refection so true, can’t be deceiving
I may be am a freaking lunatic
That’s what the world calls me- mad

Am crying, solemnly, for my eyes are dried
My body screams, my soul prays death
Am in pain, sorrow mighty killing me- slowly
But even you failed to see- what this pain has done to me

2007-12-18T06:18:00.000-08:00

This love

Estranged and deserted, clueless my path

Standing in the middle of nowhere- lost

My mind guided my feet, felt blindfolded

A serene so this new word- felt divinity

Or were my senses dead, my heart numb?

That even pain and misery felt like a hymn

This is what your love did to me! Cripple

Never did you realize- your love was evil

You gave me everything- I later realized –

Tis was all at a price- even my sanity.

Now I hold tight to myself- for I feel cold

Alas! you played it well- u had me poisoned

Your love like opium had me addicted-

Though hemlock like tis love- destroyed me

I can’t live without your company- lonely

Neither can I live with you- I don love you

You never loved me- noble wretched!

You loved love, hidden you hated me

Tempting was your compassion, blasphemy!

But o what use? Am dying- at last mercy

You deceived me, or was I deceiving myself

I will miss you, your love so true, unique

But I was never worth it, was a bolder truth

Am leaving- bodily- I have lost, so have you!

2007-11-08T00:46:00.001-08:00

Liberation from thou beast

Stand I alone, stripped ripped and torn
Cold have I become, shiver, I mourn
Cry blood I, tears- daggers through my spirit
Veins pop out, stare I at my wrist
Had tried to win friend and foe
Failed I always have, bow down low
Plead; beg mercy- trials pain I undergo
How much more pain? No more
Wait I lone, hear my heavy breathing- sore
Death now to me is sweet, I pray
She ll kiss me soon, in penance- I lay
Tis dark now, the winds howling
Am under this tree, the sky is crouching
Light is my fear, don want to see morrow
Die I must now, no more pain- sorrow
I feel now detached, all means insane
Body now feels, cold- tis has started to rain
This alas is liberation. Cry I to mighty-
Lift me, unchain me, have on me pity
For u must kill the beast nurturing in me
Lest to this world- I shall be a lunatic-a plea
Plea that am slain, for it’s the world-
That has made me mad, pain unfurled
No more, can I yell- cry for justice
I am abandoned, loneliness its is
The beast is me- I am the beast
My very life its very feast
Die I must, now- soon- the essence
Pray I death, liberation- my sole penance

Mridula

2007-11-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

The kiss o death

She had become his walk, his oxygen.

“Whole o this universe- I shall give u,

Warmth in infinity and love unmeasured.”

Had shown his love – her face in the moon.

“With diamonds I shall laden my love-

I shall fight all wars and conquer you”:

He hence seeking pleasure in pain..

But the lady could not his love return-

As like some defect right from birth.

she thereby in pleasure seeking pain.

The man had but sworn on himself-

“Till my last breath I shall wholly-

defend my virgin love for u!”

Saying so he hid away from her

Weeks passed by, called had she unto him.

She finally with him was running to him.

Her eyes swollen, sunk an fiery red .

He with his passionate eyes looked into

“I cant bear ur separation” she yelled.

Sadly my warrior-“ I do not love u”

Their eyes met- kissed he had-

On her white pale weak palms.

Horror struck- saw blood gushing out-

Out of her sensuous mouth- she fell

Her frail curled body in his lap.

Sadistic- had met in a graveyard

Bloody tears trickled down his face

Was sinking deeper, she was dying

Drowning in the ocean of her blood

“Am a mighty ocean and you a pond

I shall engulf you and make u mine,”

His words echoing in her head.

“I swallowed crystals o cyanide”-

She gasped- “Am sorry” she cried

“I had to unchain you- imprison you”

Am sorry-

2007-10-24T03:43:00.001-07:00

Wealth Paradoxes

Infinite a kingdom, Wealth galore
Golden paths, bejeweled the roads
Food in plenty, water immortal
Luxury at your call, material pleasure
Far in distance, palace there be
Sparkling in gold, diamonds spree
Inside now, silence emptiness
Shut doors and windows, darkness
At the Lord’s feet, by the wall
In sight the only being, whole o the kingdom
Lay motionless, & curled this soul
Looks the prince, the crown said so
Young he was, say 19- but hath all aged
Pain in his eyes, in the air heaviness
Frail he appeared, lost in his robes
Handsome and witty, now was worn
Looked at me he, tears in my eyes
For some sorrow, story grief there lies
As my tears trickle, said the royal-
“I too was merry, then cried now dry
Rise thou stranger, arise and hear
The kingdom you see- personifies my life
Has all the material wealth, but none to rejoice
Life too had had everything, but no peace, lone
Life orphaned me, silence my guardian
Am locked within these walls,
Tis not a palace, but a dungeon
My life too is so- prison, cant escape
Love, hate, pain, joy, success, failure
Friendship, wars, betrayal, rejection, pleasure
Faced it all, sorrow the only permanent
Was abandoned, seek now I peace
Now I pray to the Lord, death
For, what is life? Without living
Grow I the poison ivy, tis my life is filled
With poison”
His voice cracked, may be a tear drop
The light seeped brilliantly- through the glass
“Turn now, to ur life” he said
“Ask not for things, though pray for peace
Destiny and life has its ways,
Eternal is peace, so pray”
Thought I ll take him, with me, to life
But then saw the chains, he was tied
“Tis not a palace but a dungeon”
His words echoing in my head.
Beyond pain, I saw, state o calm
Walked I away, now puzzled more in life
“PEACE IS ETERNAL- SO PRAY”

2007-10-21T03:38:00.000-07:00

Trauma

Am crouched against a wall in my death cell,
In another few hours, I ll die- knew that well.
I know I am not immortal for I am not God-
But this urge to live-please let me live o Lord.
I am just 18 years young, having seen very little,
Am brimming with passion, talent and mettle.
Its claustrophobic in here, flames engulfing me-
I am drowned in my own blood, I barely could see.
The clock is ticking, my heart beat haunting me,
Is there not a way out, oh supreme power it’s a plea!
I now see at a distance a hooded devilish man-
In his hand a knife, drill and the blade of a fan.
I wanted to scream, but words failing to come out-
“you are a f**king mad man” I faintly did shout.
The smell of my blood and sweat, it makes me puke,
Hot bloody tears trickle, I am hoping for some fluke.
I think he is now slowly and steadily approaching,
Every gradual step of his frantically threatening.
My death was going to be gruesome and slow,
Tis a deathly situation, my thoughts did not flow.
Finally did enter and he bored into my eyes-
Whistled some deathly tune and said time flies!
“How does thou want to die? U squirmy squid!”
His voice echoing, noises twirling in my head.
He bellowed-“Hurting u physically simply no fun!
Tormenting & torturing u mentally is what will be done.
Has been a few weeks now, am in a mental asylum-
Cant exactly recall what had happened, am today glum.
He had drained my spirit, my soul, my entire life-
I would have bettered my death by a bloody knife.

Mridula

2007-10-21T03:22:00.000-07:00

Nirvana

Lost one, lost all -am alone I fear
Loneliness no longer fear-but part o thou-me
What is life? I question, air water oxygen
Losing your most beloved, trust, company
Is that life- I ask, doseth not sound death?
Pain leads to pleasure and pleasure to pain
Joy to sorrow, sadness to happiness- tis the same
Again to live is to die and dying you live
If life then balance? Balance – salvation?
Salvation, the path to the abode o Lord
Lord- peace-the blissful taste o calm
Occureth a vision- A bridge, stream and land-
A Church, open coffins, peace I see, feel
Crosseth I shall- and seek nirvana
A state where all means the same- am free
Life is death, love is hate, pain is pleasure!
Have set foot into a new path- silence
Am alone, none to pull me back, I cry, teary
Tis a journey- an adventure, quest to life
Slowly shall I leave everything- am quitting
None matter to me now- i ever mattered to none!
I walk, begin, settest heart soul body-
Finding peace, calm, bliss, harmony- am on my way
seeketh NIRVANA

Mridula

2007-10-21T02:37:00.000-07:00

My Masked Face

My face has become a wonderful mask-
Hiding actual emotions an easy task.
My feelings have hardened now,
Spirits within me at its highest low.
I have lost trust in all relationships-
I believe they ‘r things just on the lips.
I open my eyes & look into a reality-
And see people who lack basic morality.
But wait! Is this not the awaited test?
The one which torments us at its level best!
I know everything around me is an illusion,
So I ask myself- is this life’s compulsion?
My eyes take me into a very great depth,
The fear of loneliness has into me crept.
My greatest fear is alas! Loneliness-
The pangs of separation in me causing madness.
Where are those people? Who held my hands?
They who vouched will walk with me all lands!
Have they all failed to recognize me?
Or they deaf and blind to my plea?!
Or is it that I am gone and have died?
That people can just no longer mind.
But wait! I think I can see a lit lamp-
And also hear voices, but they are damp.
“She has gone into coma” they say-
“She might for ever on this bed lay”.
And then the voices became faint-
I am alive –yet no longer aint!
I walk down further in search o my identity,
I am amidst corpses finding my live entity.
“Come back right now! We need you” I hear-
The voices seem from right behind my ear!
I look up high above and barely did see,
Different people looking right into me.
They throw down the ladder of hope,
And I start climbing onto this rope.
I now open my eyes and see my near & dear,
They all hug me tight amidst joy and cheer.
“But there is a huge scar that is left on me-
That which on umpteen trials also did not flee.
I am with my friends and family again,
But my life has come with a heavy bargain.
I am not my same old self anymore-
Am like a soulless person thrown off shore.
I am today pained, battered and lonely,
But me being this way- I guess is reality.
For my face is after all a wonderful mask-
Hiding actual emotions my only task.

Mridula